winner.

Q: how do you take a shitty song by a no-talent hack and make it more awesome than jesus?
A: simple, just add star trek.

a short film.

i've been watching this video everyday for over a year. it's just what i do.

deliverance.

i needed a fuckin' break. a man can only take so many fucking whiny sick patients, annoying fucking co-workers, fucking oozing abscesses, fucking annoying co-workers, that fucker kobe bryant, fucking rain, an incontinent sweet old pup, fuck you AT&T, and fucking annoying co-workers.
first stop was the uber-hyped diamond lake on thursday. i made good time even with a required stop at the caddis in eugene to pick up some chubbies. i quickly set up camp through a cloud of skeeters. it was just warm enough in middle of each day for the mosquitos to be as thick as fog. i blew my nose today at work, and yeah, there was a mosquito in it.




i fished hard in the float tube that night and all day friday at both ends. the wind was tough and my legs were jello, but i found a few fish. it wasn't epic, but my hands smelled like fish slime, which has been a daily goal of mine ever since i lost my virginity.
overall, diamond lake is fun, beautiful, and full of fish, if you have a boat.
i was up at it early again saturday morning for a couple hours, but decided i needed some moving water. and since i was heading to warm springs for sunday, i went north. i have a secret little skinny stretch of the deschutes near redmond that i hadn't yet touched this year.

so now, this is where my weekend got stupid. as i mentioned, i'd been kicking around in a float tube in the wind for three days, so my legs were goo, and this spot was a bit of a hike. it'd be easier to base jump down the canyon wall, but i didn't have a helmet, just waders and some beef jerky, so i scooted down the shale hoping to not slide into a nest of rattlesnakes.
it worked. i fished. it sucked. i gave it a solid 45 minutes and said "fuuuuuuuuuck". i seriously thought about faking a broken leg and calling in the national guard for an air lift out.

so now, this is where my weekend got seriously fucked up. i was winded, tired, thirsty, defeated, and sweaty. the well-worn path through the thick brush and boulders was narrow and looked snakey, so i was focused. then the hairs on the back of my neck started to stand up. my spidey sense was at defcon 10. although i did notice a car parked up near mine, i hadn't seen a soul.
but now, there were people just ahead of me around the corner. i slowly made the turn as wide as i could, my hand already in my pocket holding my small knife. and i hollered out at the same time i started to hear some rustling. the image of one guy's cock coming out of the other guy's ass has had me crying in the shower all week.

i took a few giant steps back as pants and dust started flying. the pitcher, we'll call him, boss hog, took a header into the thorny bushes determined to hide his face. he unsuccessfully hid down the bank from me in clear sight except for his face, i mumbled something awkward about having to walk through their little love nest still clutching my knife in my pocket.

i wasn't in a safe situation. scenes from trainspotting, basketball diaries, and even bob saget screaming "i used to suck dick for coke!" were racing through my mind.

the catcher, we'll call him, enos, was a little more friendly. as i slowly walked back towards them, my only way out, he pops out rockin' his mullet, a muscle shirt, and a spinnin' rod and offers me a beer. i nervously laughed and asked that him and his boyfriend step back so i could boot-scoot through lover's lane and get the fuck outta hazard county.
they did and i got by them and above them. as i continued to climb out, enos continued to chat me up. he asked me how the fishing was, i said, "shitty", he said he had "just got a big brown". i again laughed and stopped short of responding with something that might have gotten me shot.

i got back to my wheels, noticed a second rig (a tricked-out dodge monster truck with shiny rims) and wondered which guy was responding to the craigslist ad?
then i had to put some gangsta rap on the ipod to calm my nerves, and got the hell outta there.

so with that horrible brokeback afternoon behind me, i continued north to the mecca for the evening. it was lovely as usual. hungry fish on the surface with the big, fuzzy chubbies. still cool, no skeeters, no snakes, cold beer, a 24 hour diner in madras, and things were setting up sweetly for an epic sunday.




so now, this is where my weekend got ridiculous. sunday, we fished all day on some new water and absolutely crushed it. one good day rockin' deschutes trout on dries in the central oregon sunshine will give a man a year's worth of fish mojo. i'm pretty sure i could out-fish ernest hemingway right now.
of course that all changes as soon as i go get my steelhead on.

the pony.

1. click on this LINK.

2. then click on a different video every three seconds.

3. commence grinding.

4. have seizure.

5. kill self.

this shit is newsworthy?

two of portland's top news stories today.
RABBITS and CATS beware. the world is a dangerous place.
i love my community.
i really love my community's newspaper.