catch a sailfish. check.

hey all. hope everyone had a great christmas. lora and i are back from mexico. stayed in ixtapa. it was warmer than portland. the fish are bigger, too. only two days of fishing. once out of zihuatanejo and one day out of a tiny fishing village about 2 hours south. we blanked casting streamers to roosterfish in the surf. but dorado were pretty consistent both days. and i got a nice sailfish on the second day. unfortunately, it was pretty much dead at the boat due to an inhaled hook. but the freezer is full of dorado caught on the fly rod. and i didn't start having code browns until after we got home. we were unsuccessful finding a nacho libre match. but averaged 1.5 massages per day. all in all...mexico proved worthy.
go blazers.

uh...awkward.

my gift to you.
nothing is more creepy and awesome...when david beckham meets mr. rogers.
merry christmas.

when is t.v. gonna come back...?

aren't those kids at peta clever...?

y'all need to stop pickin' on these two princesses.
but seriously, watch the video...it will change your life forever.
not really.
click here.

hitting the nail on the head...

this guy and i should definitely get a beer. i could tell him about this 15 year old kid tonight who somehow got a MRSA infection in his penis. now he has to have me change his penis dressing a couple times tonight because what was his stubby little pecker is now a bloody, sloughing stump. sad, right?
no, not sad, stupid.
how do you have a cut or a wound get superinfected down in your unused, prepubescent love gun? and you're only 15, not old enough, in my opinion, to be norelco-ing your pubes for a night out on the town. well, the answer is...you weigh 270lbs. seriously, i think he had a peanut butter and oreo sandwich stashed down there for a week. smelled great. he asked me to get him some food. i said no. i think he wanted potato chips. his mom couldn't because she was asleep and couldn't hear him calling out to her through the buzzing of her CPAP breathing machine. another fat person with sleep apnea. go figure.



thanks to DQ for passing this along:

(taken from phatphree.com )

One of most common questions I'm asked when I tell people I'm a murse (besides, "Dude, you gay?") is "why did you become a murse?" The answer to that question is a long fucking story that someday I may share with you all. But the short answer is I wanted to do something that mattered. Actually be a contributing member to our strange little tribe. Also I figured that if I told some chick I saved someone's life that day I'd have a good chance to hit the squish mitten. Or at least get a beej. Whatever. I was originally going to be a doctor, but I think that I took a wrong turn at habitual pot use & lazy. I didn't want to be a cop or a fireman and I ended up here. So it goes. Nurses handle patient care. Patients. The hack cliche is that the reason you call them patients is because it takes patience to deal with them. Well, that's actually kinda true. This addition of Tales from the Murse examines some of the types of patients we see.
Bleeders - The Bleeders are the ones with an enormous over-reaction to what is generally a simple laceration. "Yeah, you cut yourself making a fucking salad. It's bleeding I know, keep pressure on it and elevate it. Oh look, it stopped bleeding. Whatdayaknow. Can you calm the fuck down now? I know the sight of blood, especially your own can distress some people, but if you need less than a couple of sutures - I want you to stop freaking out." However, there is the other type of bleeder. They have a laceration on their hand and raise it in the air like an anxious 3rd grader who wants to tell you the capital of Vermont (I know its Montpelier you cocksucker). "You're not gonna need a transfusion if you don't keep it elevated guy. You can put your hand down. Yeah, just keep fucking glaring at me douche bag and just see how long I make you wait in the waiting room - I got all day fuckmook."
Hypochondriac - The hypochondriac thinks they have some weird Third World disease even though they haven't even left their area code. Goddamn WebMD.com Or they think they are going to die from abdominal pain, are having a transient ischemic attack because they have a goddamn headache, or have necrotizing fasciitis even though its eczema. "No you pussy. You're fine. Rub some dirt on it and walk it off. I'll bet even your mother thinks you're useless." These are also the people that come in with panic attacks. Tony Soprano is a pussy, yeah - I said it.
Nervous/too worried - Similar to the hypochondriac this type of person I encounter is usually a relative of the patient. They want to hover around the nurse's station all the time. Constantly asking if we know what's going on. They want to see the lab reports even when they have no fucking clue what any of it means. "Do you know what Polycythemia Vera is? No? Ok, then shut the fuck up and let me work you jackass. Oh, do you know how to read an EKG? Can you tell me if that R wave progression is borderline or not? You can't? Well then you'll just have to take my word for it wont you? Cuntpaste."
Can't get out of the car - These people annoy the shit out of me. First off they usually drive up in the ambulance bay and just start knocking on the goddamn door. You need to go around to the main entrance. See how it's marked "Ambulances Only" in big fucking red "Contact made with life on Mars" newspaper headline sized letters. "We need help getting out of the car. Well how the fuck did you get him in the car in the first place chunky trunks? Aw fuck it - let's just get your fat ass in the wheelchair. No they don't come any bigger than this. Maybe you should lay off that 3rd piece of cake after the all you can eat Chinese buffet; did that ever occur to you? Try the Subway Jarrod diet or something - eat fresh you fucking pig."
Smelly/poor hygiene - These are usually the homeless. You live outdoors and haven't seen the business end of a shower in a month - I get it. But if you have a working bathroom with plumbing there is no excuse to smell like an aborted fetus covered in week old potato salad. Brush your fucking teeth, floss, get some Scope, and use deodorant. I see way too many people that come in with dental abscess because they just didn't take care of their teeth. Brush and floss you piece of shit - brush and floss. However the converse of this is the jackhole who fucking bathes in cologne (usually an Arab or teenage boy). The triage room is pretty small, so when some asshole that drenched himself in Drak Noir comes in and I almost asphyxiate you can bet your ass that they're going to be in for a long wait as far away from me in the lobby.
Drug seekers - These are the all too common housewife heroin addicted bags of shit that we see everyday and will have their own article later. They come in and do little street theater to exaggerate their symptoms with unknown etiology. Some of them even ask what Docs are on that day because they know who gives out the candy and who tells them to fuck off. Drug seekers and poor hygiene people usually go hand in hand -who would have thought that Meth doesn't make you want to bathe. They sometimes come in with 'dental pain'. In my years here I've slowly seen the regulars come in with less and less teef (when you have less than 12 they are called "teef", not teeth). You would think that if you only had a half dozen of something you might want to take care of it, but no.
Princess - I hate the princess. She's a solipsistic ego queen. She could come in with a sprained ankle, but needs to be seen before the guy having an asthma attack or the grandpa with chest pain. In triage its "why do I have to answer all of these questions? I need to see a doctor right now? How much longer is this going to take?" Once you get this bitch to a room it never stops "I don't want to put on the gown. Turn up the heat in here. Excuse me. I need to see the doctor. No, I want a private room. I need painkillers now blah bla fucking blah". I have seriously dreamed of strangling her with the cord for the call button when she rings it every other damn minute.
Foreigners - Now the foreigners fall into 2 categories the ones who are nice and I like. And the ones who's eyes I want to gouge out and find someone with Aids to pee into the socket. The later have no grasp of the English language even though they've been here for the better part of a decade. They bring the entire extended family with them and they all want to crowd in the room. My rule is who ever speaks English the best can be in the room. Everyone else out to the lobby. For some reason Russians are the fucking worst. They could wait in line for 3 hours to get a loaf of bread back in Mother Russia, but think they are entitled to medical care in a cocaine heartbeat in the good ole US of A. "Listen tovarich, I know you got in a car accident, but you managed to walk in here and given they way that you are gesticulating wildly I think its safe to assume that your neck and back are gonna be ok, now sit down and shut the fuck up. Goddamn Commie."
I'm high as a kite and my teeth are green, merry fucking Christmas!
Banshee - These patients are more often than not men rather than women. Women have a higher pain tolerance than men. Sometimes I want to backhand them across the face and shout, "You can act like a man!" These patients will cry and moan before they get to a room, putting on a show for the whole waiting room to see. A lot of these patients act like they are dying from whatever brought them in, only to calm down and stop carrying on once they get a room or see the doctor. Sometimes I'll tell them that I'm the doctor, and do a cursory exam just to get them to shut up.
People who think it's like TV - these people have no grasp of reality. These are the unwashed masses that ensure that Bush got re-elected and that NASCAR (rednecks turning left) is on every weekend. Picture your average Springer viewer. These people think that every trip to the ER is like TV and that no matter how trivial their symptoms it requires you to be rushed through the halls, doctors and nurses giving report on your vitals and rush you in to get treated. Well, it doesn't work like that you fucktard. You hurt yourself trying to recreate some fucking stunt you saw on Jackass, and now you have to sit there with a broken clavicle like the dumbass that you are. Deal with it, and so help me if you use that laundry hamper as a spittoon I will turn you into a damn pincushion trying to 'find a vein'.
And finally - Flu season is upon us. For an ER this is our busiest time of the year. It is also the time of the year that Uncle Toque spends nearly a grand a month to hang with his dear friends; Jim, Jack, and Jose. I'll do my best to not make this seem like a rant in F U major, but it's hard.
You see - the problem with flu season is that we get all manner of people who, while they may be sick, there is almost nothing that we can do for them in the ER unless they are severely dehydrated, constantly vomiting or have a high fever. Most of the people we get seem to think that if they had antibiotics they would get better. The problem is that the flu is a virus, not a bacterial infection. Antibiotics don't do jack shit for a viral infection.
We have patients that flood the ER, none are emergent, but all are sick. Easily 90% of them are not sick enough to be in the ER. However, given the way our current medical system is set up - clinics and doctor's offices that should be handling these patients wont take them if they are uninsured or are not a preferred provider. So they come to see us.
Here's my advice if you are sick with the flu. This will save you a couple hundred dollars easy. Stay in bed, drink lots of fluids, take some nsaids (Ibuprofen, Tylenol) and get rest. That's it. No magic pill or treatment is going to help you get over it any faster. In fact, I'd be willing to bet spending 4-5 hours in a crowded ER where the door is constantly opening and letting in 30 degree air is only going to make matters worse. Well that - or you could always chug a bottle on NyQuil and go into an emerald coma of pure ecstasy where there is no pain, filled with self-transforming machine elves from hyperspace.

bringing back the classics...

like the shoe phone...these never get old.

thanksgiving bounty.

20 people. 15 clam limit. 30 minutes. equals a ridiculous razor clam afternoon. sunny skies. no wind. apparently clam guns are for manginas, so i used my paws.
if you're new to this...like me, i guess washington clams (and crabs) are better, bigger...simply because washington has tighter regulations on season and size. discouraging to hear if you live in oregon.
damn, the world population needs a thinning. starting with anyone with the last name: vick, winehouse, romo, mcconaughey, and holtz.
oh and my crackwhore neighbor with all the dogs...although she might already be dead since there was an ambulance at their house last night and someone left on a stretcher.

whatcha gonna do...?!!!!!!!

YES!!! click here!

word on the street is that american gladiators is back. and hulk hogan is gonna be draggin' his leathery vitamin overdosed corpse back and forth from divorce hearings to keep hulkamania alive and well as host. this show has the potential to become the greatest television phenomenon we have ever seen. if we get any moments like this one...it's a can't miss hit:



now if i could only get macgyver, greatest american hero, and star trek back on...

underwater photos are just plain cool.

art went south to pan for gold.
he only found steel and chrome.

pretty much awesome blog.

since we learned today that big O is growing into teen sasquatch rather than teenwolf...this should have vlady saying, "OI! I TOLD YOU SO!"...
courtesy of a pretty much awesome blog going by the pretty much awesome name: draft kevin durant

revenge will be sweet.

i have three general rules in life:
1. never eat tacos from jack in the box.
2. never drink cheap tequila.
3. never gamble at an indian casino.

well, friday afternoon i strayed.
after a very, very rainy drive up north and a late night check in to the little creek casino resort, i awoke way too early and attempted to fish a little creek dumping into the salt. the tide was way up, first mistake. and soon i discovered that it must have rained three feet last night...chocolate slop.
somewhat dejected i made myself feel better knowing i could play a little blackjack while lora won a slot machine jackpot later. so yeah, this was gonna be an good trip regardless if mother nature was laughing at me. we headed north still...thinking possibly i might find another place to fish...maybe the hatchery? further north we got, the more water we found. the skokomish river was up to the bridge, and a short drive off 101 we found this:





as some locals told us (locals being my blackjack dealer...more on that worthless hag of human later)...for this to happen is pretty common. but still pretty weird to see for the first time. there must have been 500 or so in that field across the road. cheap lawn fertilizer for everyone, i suppose.
after deciding not to fill the back of the car with enough chum to give to all the people i don't really like at work, we drove on to the hoodsport hatchery. i heard you can fish there if you wear kevlar and bring enough pabst for everyone. again, misinformed. apparently the tide applies to the entire ocean? something about the moon and miss cleo?
oh and this was going on:



it was pretty entertaining listening to the group of older guys behind us on the platform cursing these guys. i think "fuck those fuckers" and "i hope they die" were the main points. one guy yelled at me for photographing them saying, "don't take their picture. they aren't worth a shit."
point taken sir. i hate them, too.
respect your elders.

further discouraged, but not defeated, we headed for lunch at the casino. good lunch. the buffet has pretty decent steamers and dungeness. then determined to leave this experience on a good note, i sat down with tammy. tammy made me her clark griswold and abused me for $200 in about 20 minutes. mind you this was a $3 table so looking back, i deserved it. $3 tables are for old ladies on oxygen and guys with yosemite sam tattoos, but after that morning i wasn't feeling like playing by the rules. you would think after 20 hands or so without getting 21 or even an ace, i'd get up. nope.
i'm fairly certain at some point in my life i must have desecrated an indian burial ground.
but lora won $11 on the slot machine, so she was happy.
and the new cabelas was nice. and big.

until we meet again little creek casino, until we meet again.

this happened tonight at work...

i was the lunger...and a certain FOS, drug seeking, punk ass teenager was johnny ringo. i'm the boss, not you. and yes, this is my hospital. no, this isn't a hotel. and you're not a guest and i don't do room service. and i wasn't born yesterday. and yes, it's been raining for a couple days. no, i haven't been out fishing lately. so, shut your pill hole and go to sleep so i can research my shitty fantasy football teams.
kids these days aren't worth a damn.

the bears can smell...idiots.

who is more awesome? the 'project grizzly' guy OR the dead 'grizzly man'? if you haven't seen either movie, do yourself a favor and rent both. there are so many head-shaking moments of disbelief regarding the awesome stupidity of both men...you will thank your lucky stars that you weren't sexually molested by a gay uncle or something and missed out on developing proper social skills.

i'm talkin' rainforest sweaty...

the shoe phone.

76 points?!

nebraska cornhusker fans finally had something to cheer about saturday afternoon. during the post-game handshake, bill callahan was overheard saying to university of kansas head coach mark mangino, "coach, thanks for running us into the ground. your fat ass just hammered the final nail in my coffin. i hope you die."
mangino replied, "yeah, we'll you guys have beat kansas like 40 times in a row." then he promptly ate callahan.

happy halloween.

tonight at work...

hayden panettiere.

did you guys see this clip from last monday's episode of 'heroes'?

jiffy lube sucks.

this happened to me last year with a belt i had replaced. next time i went in, a guy said i needed the same belt replaced. i showed him the receipt. he said, "yeah, we fired that guy.", and replaced the belt no charge.
now i go in there and say, "i'm from channel 8. i have hidden cameras under my hood. don't fuck with me. oil change. no flushes. no caps. no transmission shit. no blinker fluid. oh and here's a coupon, jackholes. have a nice day."

i need stability.

when does college basketball start? i can't take anymore of whatever it is impersonating college football this year.

oh right, america is the bad guy.

look! everyone stereotypes. it's not just us american assholes.

james tiberius kirk.

i guess shatner is pissed he's not in the new 'star trek' shindig.
click here
to make matters worse, leonard nimoy is...
which reminds me, one of lora's classes at MHCC there's this awesome asian guy. i presume he has a very difficult name to pronounce, something like phuk or, well, you get the picture...anyway, he apparently has everyone call him by his 'american-ized' name...spock. i'm sure he's completely normal.
so, tj hooker is pissed. i suppose he has a point. i mean he is the greatest actor of his generation, just ask him.
hey, bill, did you ever think you weren't included because you were a douchebag? or maybe it was because you do those retarded priceline commercials? or maybe it was because of 'miss congeniality'? or maybe it was because of this:

tom potter...

listens only to his own awesome, baseball hatin' voice and now thinks he can clock out early. bring back that crazy old bird, vera katz.

the new ben affleck.

go away forever.

list of people that have never made me laugh, ever:
1. jay leno
2. jerry seinfeld
3. mr. bean
that's it.

get well soon, buddy!

hey max, sorry about the wheel.
hope your dad learned his lesson...when you put jack in your kid's sippy cup to help him sleep...make sure there aren't any stairs around.

negativity.

as my personal sports apocalypse continues to creep towards reality, each day something happens to provide further proof the end is upon me. it has become more automatic than a small, cute animal attacking an unlucky, misunderstood ben stiller character.

1. the huskers. yeah, tom osborne will save us. sure, i mean he's only 70. says "gosh darn" and "gee willickers" during half-time speeches. he's been outta the game for 10 years. but probably still has plenty of probation officer contacts in southern california.
i'm guessing he might be out of touch with what the kids think is cool...you know stuff like, come play here. sure we have exposure. we don't have alumni like chad johnson or reggie bush or a manning, but we do have lawrence phillips, jason peter, and eric crouch. we don't know where they are, but we have them.
come play here. sure we have girls.

anyway, no we don't have video games in the lockers like some schools...instead, have you seen this awesome playbook? it's better than madden '08:

sure we realize it's three times the size of any college text book. and yes we know you're major will be P.E., but trust us...coach callahan says this gets you ready for the pros.
and nevermind this stuff:

it's simple...RUN THE BALL. like the glory days:

good...

versus evil.


2. the cardinals. great, larussa is back. that doesn't make the farm system any better. matt says colby rasmus is grady sizemore. ok. let's hope. you know...i'm just gonna settle into a fetal position on this one. it's grave. it's a downswing for sure. last place in the central next year. there i said it. dingo, tim, savvyboy, roth...sorry. it was a nice little run. baseball is an ugly bitch. i'll remember just getting the chance. i'll remember pujols ending brad lidge's career. i'll remember edmonds turning his back on the ball like a nebraska DB. i'll remember beltran's knees buckling. oh yeah and we're still world champs for another week or so.


3. the rams. well, i wanna say something positive. so i will...the barbeque pork nachos at qwest field are excellent. now...the rams straight suck. bulger holds the ball like it's a teddy bear protecting him from the boogeyman. holt is probably leading the league in drops. and the backs, not named jackson, love running directly into the linemen's backsides. sure it's because the offensive line is getting crushed...on EVERY play, but make a read. spin. juke. i think it's R1 or R2 on your playstation controller. the lambs had -4 yards passing and 4 first downs in the first half on sunday. against the seahawks...who suck, too. the offensive MVP so far this season is the punter, donnie jones. 50.5 average. sunday he booted one 80 yards. not bad with one foot out of the back of the endzone. 0-16. why not? new england is gonna go 16-0.
did anyone see matt and i at the game? we were these guys:


4. the blazers. will we make the playoffs? do we even want to? is it completely wrong, before the season even starts to start thinking about this:

from espn.com courtesy of doug "scooter" gottlieb
2008 NBA Draft Prospects
1. Eric Gordon, Indiana
Gordon would have been the first guard taken this year. He has deep range, a midrange game that is developing and he will finish in traffic as well. Unlike some of his fellow guards in this class, Gordon has no issues with sharing the ball on the floor or baggage off the floor. He is a huge reason for believing that IU is back. But for how long?
2. Kevin Love, UCLA
The most complete big man to enter college basketball in a long time. Love is strong as an ox, a solid athlete, has a tremendous basketball IQ, a ridiculous outlet passer (coaches are raving) and his offensive arsenal is as complete as Tim Duncan's.
3. Derrick Rose, Memphis
Rose has a body and game that is reminiscent of Jason Kidd. He is a fierce competitor who is driven to win and make his teammates better. Although he may not be quite the passer that Kidd is, he shoots it better than Kidd at this age. As good as Memphis was last year, wait until you seen the Tigers with Rose running the show.
4. Darrell Arthur, Kansas
"Slim Shady" is a sleek, face-up forward who should come into his own in Year 2 at Kansas. Arthur has the tools necessary to be great, but he must put it all together. He lacks consistency.
5. Michael Beasley, Kansas State
An incredibly talented power forward who has some Carmelo to his game, only he is a far more tenacious rebounder. He does have some baggage in terms of personal maturity, so a year in Manhattan, Kan., could do him wonders.
Others of note
O.J. Mayo, USC
Ultra-athletic combo guard who enters college with all the hype of LBJ (had LeBron gone to college). He can defend, shoot and finish, but he struggles with knowing what to do when. If Tim Floyd can add discipline and decision-making to his arsenal, Mayo will live up to the massive hype that he sometimes struggles with.
Kyle Singler, Duke
A Dirk Nowitzki type of forward. Has the most developed offensive arsenal of the incoming freshmen perimeter players.
D.J. Augustin, Texas
The best pure point guard returning to college basketball next year. Augustin still needs to develop a more consistent jumper from 3-point range and break out of the massive shadow of Kevin Durant. Big 12 coaches rave about his ability to run the Horn's offense.
Brook Lopez, Stanford
Very skilled at both ends of the floor and more athletic than his East Coast counterparts.
Roy Hibbert, Georgetown
Huge, improving and very bright, Hibbert has come from nowhere to all the way to playing Greg Oden to a draw in Atlanta. Can he stay injury free while keeping the weight off?
Chase Budinger, Arizona
Great talent and he knows how to play, but he needs to work on his poor defense. His lack of lateral quickness does not go unnoticed by NBA scouts. He could very well be a pro beach volleyball star if the NBA does not work out.
Hasheem Thabeet, Connecticut
Still incredibly raw, but you can't teach height and shot blocking. He has both.
DeAndre Jordan, Texas A&M
Should form an incredible 1-2 combo with Joseph Jones at Texas A&M. Jordan is a very athletic big man who is active and aggressive at both ends of the floor.
Donte Greene, Syracuse
Thin pogo-stick type of athlete who will thrive if Syracuse starts to get up and down, which the Orange seem poised to try.
Paul Harris, Syracuse
Do-it-all Paul has all the skills, except a jump shot. Strongest guard in college basketball, but he has no position. If he continues to improve his shooting next year as he did in Year 1, he could get in the lottery discussion, a discussion he was in coming out of prep school.
Tywon Lawson, North Carolina
Exceptionally fast with the ball and a strong finisher in the lane, but his jumper and decision-making leave something to be desired. Lawson can really defend and will have a ton of opportunities to prove his mettle as UNC is a favorite heading into the year.
Darren Collison, UCLA
Loved by his coaches and teammates, Collison may lack the creativity to be a big-time point guard in the pros. However, he has improved a ton the past two years, so anything seems possible.
Taj Gibson, USC
Will be a 22-year-old sophomore, and he plays like a 10-year NBA veteran. Legit 6-foot-9 athlete who is adding strength, the only thing needed to his game.
Returning from Injury
Billy Walker, Kansas State
Would have been a lottery pick this year, but after his second ACL tear, Walker's return will be cause for great interest. A Vince Carter-type of athlete last year, his raw offensive game is supposed to be more refined with the time off.
Ronald Steele, Alabama
Dual knee surgeries after a painful year leave us wondering what will become of the college game's premiere point guard. When healthy, Steele is a scoring point who has a knack for taking over a game in big spots. He was hobbled all of last season and used his guts and head to still be moderately effective. But he will need his knees to get into the league.
DeVon Hardin, Cal
Big-time athlete and shot blocker who has a Stromile Swift-like ability to finish. Had a foot injury this year and is raw offensively, so he wisely pulled out of the draft last month. But with some refining, he should be in the lottery discussion next year.
Back from Suspension
C.J. Giles, Oregon State
After getting kicked off the team at Kansas, he transferred to OSU. Giles has some baggage he needs to overcome. At 6-foot-10 and very agile, his raw talent had him pegged for the lottery until his dismissal.
Josh Heytvelt, Gonzaga
Ultra-athletic big man who needs the year to repair his off-court image. On the floor, he needs to play with more consistency. But when he brings it, he is a lottery pick.

and, peter, "oden's wheelchair", your fantasy basketball team's name...not funny.

can't keep silent...

i'm only gonna say...if i could murder someone...

bummer.

click here.

julie is awesome!

click here!

wtf?

this shit fascinates me...i have no idea why...i never want to do it. but how in the hell do these somesabitches do it?

por favor. uno mas.

this still doesn't make up for 'stuck on you'...but it helps.
thanks, brennan.

music quota complete.

ello! guvna!

i'll keep the hits coming...

dead on.

the company man.

i hear fox is giving this d-bag his own late night talk show. wow, what a horrible, horrible idea...how is it that bob costas hasn't had buck killed? saint louis needs to quit pumping out sportscasters. buck, costas, wingo...why can't everyone be scott van pelt or erin andrews? shit...here i go again. sorry.


from firejoemorgan.com
Strike Up the Band!
It finally happened, you guys!!!
Joe Buck, bottom 6, Red Sox' diminuitive caucasian 2B Dustin Pedroia at the dish:
"He's a lot like David Eckstein -- he makes the most out of what he's got."
Finally. Someone pointed out the superficial/wrong.
Pedroia, in 2007, his 23 year-old rookie year: .317/ .380 /.442. .292 EqA.
Eckstein, Cherry Picking Best Ever Result in Every Category Throughout his Entire Career: .309/.363/.395. .274 EqA.
Eck's career SLG is .362. His career high in doubles is 26. Pedroia had 39.
But hey. They are both short. And white. So that's something.

i hope these are joe's first guests:
1. homey d. clown
2. randy moss
3. these guys:

and his band: www.joebuckyourself.com
tim mccarver will play the part of ed mcmahon.
yes, one of the longest nightshifts ever. thanks for asking.

huckin' fuskers.

seriously. where is college football going? this...i guess...you call it parody...is brutal. sure i could be positive about it, but it's not in my genes. i could see it as a great thing. woo-hoo appendectomy state beat michigan. number one's and two's fall each week.
oh and sure i'm bitter that the huskers suck ass. times have changed...i get it. no one wants to come to nebraska to play.
"hi, i'm bill callahan. i was a nfl coach. ever heard of the west coast offense? well, if you haven't then come play for me. cos i run it, just like everybody else. but i'm special in that i run it like they were 10 years ago with no adjustments. i'm a purist. so i abandon the run whenever i can. and i don't worry about defense. we even coach our DBs to never turn around on the ball, so the other team can score at will...just so when we're on offense we have to heave it on 3 and 10. i was an nfl coach. we run the west coast offense. oh and nebraska has barns and shit. and it's flat. and the women are men. and the weather sucks. and i'm a horrible coach. come be a part of tradition. a tradition that is gone. and will never come back. cos i run the west coast offense. just like i did in oakland with rich gannon the greatest nfl quarterback ever. go big red. our mascot is awesome, too."
can i blame any decent college athlete? hell, no...i mean i left. nebraska sucks. i'm surprised the government hasn't given the entire state to the sioux and the winnebago...it's useless. there are no places to fish. the pheasants are all gone. but hey, we got larry the cable guy...so rejoice.
also...come on! look at the rankings. have you ever seen it so full of new teams?! i'm not ready for this. south florida. kentucky. boston college. cincy. indiana. uconn. hawaii. boise state. south carolina (go kill yourself spurrier) this is just plain silly.
on another note, steve spurrier deserves his own brand of man douche. we'll call it "the head ball coach"...what a shit stain. if i ever hear anyone say 'click, clack' in public...i immediately form tackle them. or mace them.

this whole thing just makes me want to watch manny being manny.
which makes me want to puke.
go rockies. new team sarcastic irony intended.
i hate sports.

whoa. (click here)

yankees.

season on the line. $189,639,045 payroll. and this guy has to go on 3 days rest:



no, wait...my mistake...it was actually this guy:

stupid book. stupid movie.

dear self,
i know you want to move to alaska. and you will someday. but, self, you need to know a couple things. you probably know most of this, but here's a reminder:
1. take more than a .22.
2. take more than one bag of rice.
3. warm clothes.
4. waders...and maybe a flyrod might be a good idea.
5. remember...snow melts. and rivers rise. have a plan. one that floats.
6. burn all your pearl jam records for warmth and kill eddie vedder.
that should do it. follow these simple rules and you won't turn into a zombie and die of starvation. and i get it...you don't need material things. live off the land. freedom. destiny. happiness. i get it.
find yourself. dead.
take care and good luck,
self

the grand tour...

kassa and rob, great to see you guys...safe travels back to the great plains.

my quest for a coho...

continues...but skunked we were not, young jedi.
i have to remember to quit fishing eariler next time because driving home, listening to stephen a. smith is enough to make me drive into the columbia river. lots of boots in the water. coho piled on the bank from the flossers. jacks hammering ESLs. and a few steelhead cruising...

the most disturbing image i have ever seen...

while writing my last entry i stumbled across this act of satan. seriously, i feel i should call the police or the FCC or something...jesus. when was whoopi ever cool? oh right, 'sister act'. forgot.

people that suck at their jobs.