MCOTW.

snow. chains. night shift. more snow. zero christmas shopping done.
more snow. merry christmas everyone.

yes.

the wunder boner.

wow. after i bought the "butt out" tool from cabelas (no.), i thought i had everything. can you say "stocking stuffer"?! i'll never have to fret cleaning a char or whitefish again.


The Wunder Boner - Watch more Free Videos

don't mess with texas...

damn, it's cold here. we just got back from a visit to dallas, so we missed all the snow. anyway, texas is big. we shot guns. we ate a lot of meat. and, of course, went to the cowboys' game on sunday night.
now i've been a cowboy fan since i was knee-high to ed "too tall" jones, however, i fell off the wagon train when the team changed from the beloved tom landry, tony dorsett, and tony hill to that evil miami moron jimmy johnson. when you live in nebraska it's impossible to survive blows to the heart and crotch like michael irvin and deion sanders. then follow that up with the hire of oklahoma's barry switzer...well, i took it personally.
anyway, i loathe jerry jones and his antics, but i have to say it was nice walking in to texas stadium and seeing some very nice names on the ring of fame.
ANYWAY, blah, blah, blah...as long as the cowboys hire bill cowher next year, i will begin the healing process.

MCOTW.

the un-civil war.

the D to the Q scored me a ticket to the civil war last saturday down in corvallis. good times were promising. the weather was beautiful. everyone had roses. it was shaping up to be quite a party. then the game started. the beavers were flat. couldn't tackle. and the rout was on. the fifty bucks i had riding on the game went down the toilet. and things got pretty ugly. this was my first trip to reser stadium. beaver fans are a frustrated bunch. to the screaming middle-aged woman behind me...i could've done without your comments and snarls. i'm pretty sure the refs can't hear you (although i agree the officiating was HORRIBLE). i'm pretty sure mike riley is a better coach than you might think. i'm pretty sure that phil knight didn't having anything to do with the beavers tackling. i'm pretty sure the oregon band had permission to be there. and phil knight wasn't actually in the band. also i'm pretty sure the beavers just didn't show up...no, phil knight didn't pay off anyone or give the ducks superpowers, i think?
thanks again, d.
sorry, no rose bowl for you. next year, my man, next year. that is if USC sucks?

just your average sports-filled weekend...

not really, though. holy shit.
the pedro says, "you going to the game on friday?"
"sure i am."
"well, you might want to go with me instead."
"ok."








the game was unbelievable, beating the hornets to stay undefeated at home.
some thoughts on those once in a lifetime seats.
it was really tough to follow the game. we had no idea what the score was watching everything else going. the assistants cursing the refs, martell webster coaching everybody, smelling rebecca haarlow as she walked back and forth, lots of beer, and screaming at that punk bitch james posey. it was awesome.
rudy in broken english saying, "go defense, go defense!" at every timeout. watching nate draw up plays on the board and knowing what's gonna happen. brandon roy is clutch. and just seeing how big and fast all those guys are.
thanks again, pedro. you are the man.
go blazers!
i drank just enough beer to be not too hungover to wake up early for the drive to corvallis for the civil war...more on that debacle later.

humpin' music.

i once dead-lifted a honda civic while listening to this song.
it's that strong.

spaceman.

the video has it all...'my name is earl' bangin' the skins, brandon flowers wearing the same jacket he always wears, and pandas.
i sort of have a bit of a little boner about this song and the killers' impending domination of planet earth.
yeah, tonight's a cruising youtube night...guilty.

NZ.

the language barrier.

don't get me wrong...i'm medically fluent in 87 different languages. ok, maybe two. but hilarity always ensues during the night shift when i don't feel like waking up a cantonese interpreter. like tonight when the word "ok" was said approximately 63 times between myself, a dad, and a mom. i was in the room for four minutes.

break room funk.

i was going to post the video of sarah palin's lips flapping while turkeys get decapitated behind her and make clever quips like "if you look past the bloody turkey, you can see russia" and probably call the post "meat is murder". but you will probably see the clip two hundred times today, so screw it.

instead, i kept myself barely awake at work tonight plastering hundreds of biohazard stickers all over the break room. like always, it smelled like a bag of wet dog shit mixed with rotting halloween pumpkins.
seriously, what is it about work break rooms? do they all reek like old tv dinners that have been thawed and refrozen every month since WWII? what do people/nurses/cat lovers keep in their lockers? purses full of used kleenex? open cans of slimfast?
it's gross.

anyway, not to drift too far away from the topic of blood and gore...this "accident" happened yesterday in portland. pretty amazing that this little girl didn't get her head crunched. 4 grown men, one with a baseball bat, versus one pit bull. i know that no dog should be trusted completely, but i guarantee that it wouldn't take 4 grown men to put down the lou. so, damn you, michael vick. guns don't kill people. bullets do.

on a lighter note, i saw quantum of solace the other day. pretty decent. but nothing memorable, really. no signature moment. just bond getting his ass kicked in only to live to see another tomorrow...que the awesome blood dripping bond girl silouette holding a pistol intro.

ladies and gentlemen...nicole richie.

frustration.

because apparently you have to have a degree in mechanical engineering and physics and basic geometry to assemble and construct a simple 30 foot section of front yard fence with an attaching gate across the driveway AND because it seems as if all the tape measures i own (2) are incapable of providing me with an accurate measurement causing me to mostly swear and throw tools at neighborly passers-by...i have to watch this video over and over again to make myself feel better all weekend.

ha. ha. ha. i just peed myself. again.

YouTube Contest Challenges Users To Make A 'Good' Video

he's faster than sharks...

some video of stevie 'dimes' p'nash reminding me why he's my favorite player in the association. being able to dunk is for pussies anyway. the other videos at the end are nice, too.


steve nash “the spokesman” – photo shoot from Bill Connely on Vimeo.

my sentiments exactly.

mostly stolen from the blazersedge.com

OK, let’s see…pant, pant. L*kers, Spurs, Suns…pant, pant…Jazz, and Rockets. Anything else to throw at us, NBA? Let me guess, LeBron James has been traded to the Celtics for one night only and they’re coming to Portland. No, no, no…wait. You’ve assembled a team of robotic Michael Jordans and are sending them up against the Blazers, right? You evil so-and-so’s! I oughtta…what? The Timberwolves? You mean space-age, futuristic Timberwolves with laser eyes and anti-matter torpedoes shooting out of their butts, right? No? Just the plain, old Timberwolves, huh? Wait. This is some kind of trick, isn’t it?
OK…assuming that it’s actually the real Timberwolves coming to town and not some kind of 7-foot tall undead vampire army with a preference for Spanish flesh, this will be the first game of the season that the Blazers could be reasonably expected to win going in.



so the serg is upset about PT. i get it, dude. you've been here 3 years. you're playing 8-10 minutes. it sucks. but keep your chin up, champ. keeping playing well and things will work out. i got a feeling that steve blake isn't going to be around much longer. but if you pull any more bullshit like demanding a trade through your agent and disrupt what this team might get going here...i will come down on you like this:



b-roy, listen to me. great shot last night. you are the go-to-guy for this team. your all-star status is safe. but...they're 4 other guys out there, man. LA can bring it...and did all night last game. and no one can guard rudy, artest tried and looked stupid. you don't have to do everything. but, like i said, great shot last night.

MCOTW.

still alive.

the question has been brought up to me, "at what point does the human body say 'fuck it'?" and really i think this crazy whore is a testament to how amazing the human body is. as hideous and fabulous as amy winehouse is, i seriously hope that when she does finally die her body is donated to science. we need to better understand how in the hell she was able to survive the last few years. i'm pretty sure the cure to many, many unbearable diseases is hidden in this rotting flesh pile. i understand the human body is a wonder. i've seen cold, blue bodies brought back to life. i've seen more than my share of blood where it isn't suppose to be, only to see people pull through. BUT there is something about this woman that has to be a mutant-like step in evolution. it is truly amazing to me that someone can inject gasoline into her veins and breathe straight ricin like it's aromatherapy.
cure cancer, amy.
contribute something besides your shitty music, dear.
for the latest nonsense clicky.

obama.

last night i had a dream. i was having trouble with a level in little big planet when all of a sudden a holographic image of oprah winfrey beamed out of my PS3. she was crying and laughing at the same time. it was very awkward. i could only make out a few words including "proud", "hope", and "chicago". i could only assume she was upset that rex grossman would be under center this sunday for the bears. i told her, yes, the bears were probably screwed, and then the reverend jesse jackson, dressed in a wolf blizter halloween costume, came out of nowhere and slapped me in the face. then i woke up drenched in sweat. or tears. not sure.
now i gotta go, that chain-smokin' potty mouth, rachael ray, is on and making something with a carbonara sauce. predictably, i'm mesmerized by her giant mouth.

joe six-pack.

palinaspresident.us

don't lie...

i know...all my posts lately are lame youtube links, but lately i've been catching up on some reading, working a busy stretch, getting ready for the blazers' season opener, figuring out my dead amy winehouse halloween costume, and blowing money on comics on ebay. oh and gearing up for the new call of duty out in a couple weeks. i know, i live a charmed life.
anyway...don't lie. you secretly think this was a great show...unlike family guy, it's awesomeness declined as the years went on, but...it's better than most crap.

more family guy.

i'm pretty sure seth macfarlane sold his soul to the devil a loooong time ago. this shit is funny. if the "flash gordon" reference in this week's episode doesn't make you pee your pants, well, then there's no hope for you. it at around the 16:00 mark. enjoy.

i dare you america...

recently re-discovered down in the cafeteria, i dare you to come up with a more amazing candy than now and later. it reminds me of my childhood days. saturday mornings at the bowling alley. working on my 150 average. then stealing quarters from my mom's purse so i could buy some sweet, sweet now and laters. maybe some zotz and a blow-pop, sour apple, of course. with enough left over hopefully to get in a couple games of dig-dug or gauntlet..."the wizard needs food badly!".
yeah, people...i was in a bowling league. i went to state. i got fifth. i am better than you.

a better version of this video.

i posted this video earlier. here it is updated. much better.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

guns.

pardon my fuckin' language, but i fuckin' hate politics. he said, she said fuckin' bullshit. go ahead and vote. but do it based on something important...like who you would rather have a beer with or maybe who you'd rather sit next to during a blazers' game. it can't be based on knowledge and facts...nobody has time to sort through all of this bullshit.



got it? ok...now click here.

seriously, joe the nurse shouldn't have to spend six hours on the computer, not on ebay, trying to figure out who to vote for...sorting through the mud and pus that is washington d.c.

we're goin' to hell everyone. see you there.

*not that this was the issue deciding my vote...i was just curious.

still alive.

close your eyes. now picture this corpse naked. now clean up your vomit. clicky.
happy halloween, zombies.

max payne-ful.

say hi to your mother for me...clicky.

MCOTW.

assume the worst in people...

that way maybe we'll be pleasantly surprised. buckle your seatbelts, america.

fight club.

here's some more video of deer i didn't kill last week. these were in someone's front yard. deer are smart.

attack of the show.

i fish. i watch olivia munn dance with fish. i like.

save the cheerleader. save the world.

See more Hayden Panettiere videos at Funny or Die

bat-shit crazy...

i mean cat-shit crazy...

mark wahlberg.

he's no matt damon, but i think of them as brothers. pretty funny skit when i saw it the other night, but now after this diss...i have to post it.
oh, mark, max payne better not suck.
and say hi to your mother for me...

MCOTW...

will "body of lies" be this good? no. maybe.

oh, hollywood...

you're so organized.

question...

who would win a fight between chuck norris and jason bourne?
yeah, jack bauer...that's who.

redemption, sort of...

well, i know the six of you that read this shit are eagerly awaiting my report from this weekend...so here you go.
it was tough.
the good news first. i stopped early on thursday morning to fish the deschutes. two fish, including one bruiser for a few dinners this month. my biggest steelhead so far. true to form this hatchery pig went straight down for about five minutes, flopped a couple times, and was to hand. the second fish, a much smaller native, put on a show with backflips, cartwheels, and a couple long runs. it was quite a morning. not to mention i didn't hike as far, and i didn't go for a swim this time.





on to the paulina unit to set up camp and do a little more scouting. the bucks were few and small, in fact, i only saw spikes. so, i waited...





opening morning i was up at 4:30, mostly because i drank too much beer and had to pee. it was cold. it rained all morning. i found my spot by hiking up a closed road about a mile in the dark. as the sun peeked through the trees, a single shot rang out. five seconds later, all hell broke loose. in the next two minutes probably 30 more shots echoed all around me. i was next to a large stump so i could have a 360 view. within minutes it was chaos. between 7 and 7:30 probably 30 does sprinted past. when they would slow down, i could see none of them were bucks.






i stayed put for a few hours then hiked around a few more miles back to camp. i busted a few more does, the sun came out, and i saw very few hunters off the main roads. i lost my patience and drove into town to watch the ducks play like a bunch of girls and the huskers play like a bunch of pregnant women.



the next couple days proved even more difficult. by sunday morning the many, many road hunters had all the deer (does) herded up. as i sat on the edges of some timber, they would trot past me in groups of 15-20 back and forth across the main roads. i didn't notice it so much on saturday, but by sunday the huge number of roadies was evident. i would see rifles sticking out of rolled down windows. and six to eight dudes sitting in the beds of pick-ups.
i quickly figured out i'd be better off fishing the rest of this trip. so i busted camp.
i've pretty much wet a line in every inch of the deschutes. except this one spot. so, against better judgement, i went for it. it was steep. it was treacherous. it was unproductive. but i lived.





like the cubs...there's always next year.

my favorite season.

on the big hunt this weekend, along with my new deer cannon, i'm packing a slingshot for squirrels. and cougars. here's to backstraps for thanksgiving dinner. and, if there's time, gettin' a little revenge on the deschutes.

creepy.

this video has it all. diversity, flutes, brainwashing...this election is gonna be awesome! now if we could just get a debate where some questions get answered?

i'm a husker fan...

so, these two PAC 10 teams, which call oregon home, hold no real value to me. however, if forced to pick one...i'm leaning towards the beavers. if for no particular reason besides this picture and the fact that the beavers win big games.

elect matt damon.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

MCOTW...

a great man.

this guy could fish. he could dance. and will always be a hero.
i will always cherish being able to hang out with him. and beat him several times on his own pool table.

feel free to donate any spare change to this very noble cause: click here.

i'm not voting...still

cheese and rice, i swear obama wants to lose. i suppose it's not officially from his campaign, but come on, dude...you put the squeeze on the whole ludacris incident? you must not want my vote if this is allowed out there in cyberspace.
i dare you to watch this in its entirety.
after viewing this i sat down at work and wrote a better song with a crayon...left-handed.
it went something like this:
"poo, caca, diapers. go out and vote. poo, caca, diapers. go out and vote. poo, caca, diapers. drugs are bad. so is poverty. word."

espana love...

training camp starts next week. here's to no more bad knees! here's to aldridge making the leap to all-star! here's to another rookie of the year! here's to oden knocking kobe to the floor at the staples on opening night! go blazers!

i'm stoked. this brody jenner, panty droppin' SOB better do THIS all the time:

PETA...

PETA must be drinking breastmilk from crack addicts?
there isn't any other explanation.
i really need to quit going to this site. every time i visit i find out an actor i like is some sort of activist...then i have to hate him or her. i'm talking to you, alec baldwin. click here. but it's so damn funny.

September 23, 2008

Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, Cofounders

Ben & Jerry's Homemade Inc.

Dear Mr. Cohen and Mr. Greenfield,

On behalf of PETA and our more than 2 million members and supporters, I'd like to bring your attention to an innovative new idea from Switzerland that would bring a unique twist to Ben and Jerry's.

Storchen restaurant is set to unveil a menu that includes soups, stews, and sauces made with at least 75 percent breast milk procured from human donors who are paid in exchange for their milk. If Ben and Jerry's replaced the cow's milk in its ice cream with breast milk, your customers-and cows-would reap the benefits.

Using cow's milk for your ice cream is a hazard to your customer's health. Dairy products have been linked to juvenile diabetes, allergies, constipation, obesity, and prostate and ovarian cancer. The late Dr. Benjamin Spock, America's leading authority on child care, spoke out against feeding cow's milk to children, saying it may play a role in anemia, allergies, and juvenile diabetes and in the long term, will set kids up for obesity and heart disease-America's number one cause of death.

Animals will also benefit from the switch to breast milk. Like all mammals, cows only produce milk during and after pregnancy, so to be able to constantly milk them, cows are forcefully impregnated every nine months. After several years of living in filthy conditions and being forced to produce 10 times more milk than they would naturally, their exhausted bodies are turned into hamburgers or ground up for soup.

And of course, the veal industry could not survive without the dairy industry. Because male calves can't produce milk, dairy farmers take them from their mothers immediately after birth and sell them to veal farms, where they endure 14 to17 weeks of torment chained inside a crate so small that they can't even turn around.

The breast is best! Won't you give cows and their babies a break and our health a boost by switching from cow's milk to breast milk in Ben and Jerry's ice cream? Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Tracy Reiman

drugs.

ever walk around pioneer square after the sun goes down? no. well, here's an idea.

feelin' sorry for myself...

growing up, hangin' in the outdoors, i learned my dad had quite the temper. i've seen him chuck tangled reels into rivers. i've held back laughter watching him shot put an entire rod and reel combo into a minnesota lake after a giant northern pike came unbuttoned. one opening morning he peppered our yellow lab's ass from about 50yds when the pup kept getting too far out in front of us busting pheasants.
now, for the most part, i've bottled up this trait when fishing. god knows it's been hard. i've had plenty of mishaps and frustrations. who hasn't? but that's part of the game, right? well, today i came as close to losing my shit as i can remember.
you ever have one of those mornings? you probably have.
i overslept. flipped a coin in my head...should i even bother? i missed the bite.
"aw, screw it, you'll kick yourself for not going", says the little voice in my head.
so i went.
8am, two hours later than i planned to start, i jumped in my waders, threw on my backpack, and hit the trail. my plan was to hike upstream 4-5 miles, then work my way down. it was monday. most people have real jobs, right?
the first couple hours were beautiful. the four miles went fast. heard some fish bust. stepped on some deer. kicked up some roosters. it was pleasant, to say the least.
i arrived at my spot. i was late. i knew this, but what the heck.
sadly, all the usual nooks and ledges were crammed with people. jet boats, drift boats, float tubes, mountain bikes, segways, and ufo's. it was unreal.
well, i didn't want to hike up any more, so i moved down and found a spot.
things went downhill fast.
as soon as i stepped into the water, the winds came. i lost my first two flies on consecutive casts into the same tree. finally got a third fly on and moved into position for my third cast.
my ankle buckled.
i'm sure it resembled a house cat getting thrown into a kiddie pool. instantly, i'm up to my neck in deschutes green with just enough air left in my lungs to let out a whimpering "fuuuck".
damn, that river is swift. and cold. and humbling. i was soaked. five miles from the car. oh, did i mention the wind?
still determined, i stripped down, laid out my top layers in the sun, told my 8wt to fuck off, and grabbed the spinning rod.
forgive me, i'm no purist, and i figured the D owed me a fish for this shitty morning.
i flogged the water, through the wind, freezing my ass off for the next hour, losing way more gear than usual. with the wind gusting at somewhere between 25 and 225 mph, my patience began to evaporate. every fisherman i passed on the bank had a steelhead or two strapped to their hip dangling in the current.
somewhere around 11am, i gave the river my frozen middle finger, packed up, and dragged my soggy ass back to the lot.
to make matters worse, the guy parked next to me had a 38 inch steelhead laying next to my car. yeah, he taped it.
at this point, i figured the only thing that could cheer me up were a couple mc ribs at the mc donalds in the dalles.
but they were sold out.
so, the beatings will continue until morale improves.

no comment.

bring it, noobs.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

nailed it.

good job, tina. bravo, you little minx.

of note, the rest of the night's show blew, except for maybe "space olympics".

"it's like a really bad disney movie...i mean if you do the actuary tables..."

continuing on the political theme...it just keeps getting better. matt damon, known best for his role in 'team america: world police', has this little video gem. it rules. screw obama. screw mc bush. i'm voting for the jason bourne/george clooney ticket!




*if you're wondering where i get all these nuggets of awesome check out WWTDD.

seriously?

first off, i hate both democrats and republicians. which one i hate more, depends on the day.
now, those that have the pleasure of listening to me rant on a daily basis know there are few people i dislike more than amy winehouse or manu ginobli...however, whoopi goldberg wears the jeweled crown.
secondly, i do not watch 'the view'. EVER. BUT this is just unreal...it's mostly just mc cain talking about dying during his term, palin becoming queen, and something about rowing, but...listen at about the 1:55 mark, then...wait for it...babs chimes in at 2:20. it is amazing. i'm pretty sure millions of idiots watch this shit.

"tina...eat!"

julie blogs. not often. her excuse for that is that she's sitting at home feeding her baby. i feed babies at work and i still have time for this crap, but i digress. julie blogs. it's usually spot on. click here. it's worth 6 seconds of your day.

my comment on this subject...ms. fey, if the quality of '30 rock' goes down, even a little, because you're wasting your time on SNL with the mayor of wasilla...things will get messy. like exxon messy.

movie clip of the week...

beasts.

at times he looks real birdy. but he ain't.


a rare picture of mabry not asleep.

AK boys.

fellas,
cheers. good times. thanks for the hook up. it was wonderful to learn that not everyone on the kenai flips and just grunts when you say good morning as they float by. it was gettin' to a point in spots where i felt i was carrying a sidearm because of these guys, not the bears:

jay, you spot fish like an osprey.
d, you have more fish karma than aquaman.

movie clip of the week...

the greatest show ever...

so i have this friend. he thinks he's really funny. so funny, in fact, that the background music from this infamous puke-fest is his ring tone for me when i call...

deep creek campground.

better. hopefully.

fishing is better than hiking.

against better judgement we hiked. it rained. it blew. i'm still not dry. and the wounds to my confidence as an outdoorsman aren't yet fully healed. the russian lakes trail, while majestic and beautiful, can take a juicy bite outta my hairy ass. the plan was to hike in 9 miles to aspen flats cabin for one night. take our time the next day for the next 3 miles to the upper russian cabin attempting to fish a bit behind all the sockeye. i knew there would be much bushwacking to get to the river from the trail. i knew the devil's club would be six feet high. i knew the weather would be fickle. i knew we'd be dancing with bears. i did my best to prepare lora of these facts. she said she was game.
having an adult bear stand up on the trail only fifteen yards ahead of you...downwind, while making a ton of racket, with no where to go because of the thick brush is somewhat concerning. and knowing how long is long enough for the bear to have left the area so we could keep on tramping thru isn't a decision i loved making.
simply put, we were out of shape...something else i was already aware of.
the chips were stacked against us before we even thought about getting motivated to fish.
the cabins were great. the newly remodeled upper russian cabin was amazing. kudos to the forest service. we chopped wood. napped. chopped more wood. watched the wind blow. had some black bear cubs dine on salmon off the front porch near the beach. it was peaceful and relaxing.
fishing was more difficult than i had imagined. the forest service provided row boat was useless due to the wind, although i attempted. this made my arms as useless as my already dead legs. i tried to fish the riverbank, but i admit, the bears had me spooked. they were darting in and out of the river like ghosts. and my visibility was crap. hearing cubs whining and screaming out off in the distance made it tough to concentrate on spotting rainbows amongst the millions of reds.
so the plan was one night at aspen, three at upper russian, back for one night at aspen, then back to the car. well, we gave it two nights at upper russian and said enough. i was craving a cheeseburger. lora was dying for a shower. we both needed a chiropractor. the decision was made to kill it back to the car from upper russian. 12 miles. it was crazy. but i wanted to get back to some water i could fish. oh and it was pouring rain. oh and we were cranky. oh and those fucking bears...especially the brown ones...they weren't scared of anything.
somewhere between the lakes, we shit our pants. i was hollerin' the entire hike. every ten yards it seemed, but probably not. lora had a dinner bell. we were, surprisingly, making great time. then out of nowhere...what sounded like the entire roster of the chicago bears came barrelling thru the woods. it actually was only a black bear, but it was right next to us. and it climbed a tree right after one of my shouts, so i didn't know what the hell was going on. lora said in a surprisingly calm tone, "bear." i said, "shit.", thinking a cub in a tree this close to us equals bad, bad news. i spun around and got lora behind me. a few seconds later it belly-flopped out of the tree and ran off screaming. we both laughed nervously. i tried to convince myself that it was only an adult with no cubs...definitely not an upset, protective mama. we trampled on thru the mess, i believe with a bit more pep in our step.
we got back to the car. collapsed. napped. got some lunch at gwin's. found a comfy cabin with a hot shower. and slept two days.
lessons learned.