gun. bullet. head.

for those of you not in the pediatric medical field, imagine someone blowing a fucking whistle in your ear every five seconds for twelve god damn hours. then, imagine someone dragging a spoon full of horse shit right past your nose every five minutes for twelve god damn hours. then imagine having to constantly re-enact the basketball scene from "along came polly" every hour for twelve god damn hours, and touching some sweaty, whiny, beady eyed little mama's boy because he won't keep his god damn nasal cannula on because it's "itchy". even though it helps you breath and would make you feel tons better, even "wiggles-riffic", and would help you to not squirm in your bed all night looking like you just said "i don't know" while guest hosting "you can't do that on television!", you greasy snot factory employee of the month.
"why am i carrying this can of lysol?" you ask? because your whole family smells like an ashtray full of used condoms that's why. now shut up and take this good medicine that tastes like big foot's dick but will send you to play grab ass with peter pan.
kill me now.
that was last night.
now for tonight. the word of the night is sterility. this is what should happen to every sexually mature person on the planet unless they pass some tests. what tests you ask? well, how about i decide. yeah, me...elect me "king of whether or not you are a fucking dumb ass". i know you're thinking, "yeah, i saw that show...i think it was called "are you smarter than a 5th grader?", well, this needs to be different. i'm open to suggestions. i have a few like: so exactly how many cats do you own or at least hang out at your house? do you have any controlled substance in your purse? did you really name your child after a type of automobile? no, it's not ok for you to sleep in the nude. i did knock before i came in. no, this isn't really a hotel...it's a fucking children's hospital. oh, you're smarter than a doctor? oh, you know how to pull back your son's foreskin better than me, so i can place this catheter. oh, this is all wrong? we're doing this completely wrong? you have all the answers? ok. no, it's not ok for you to be drunk or high while your child is here. sure you can call your primary care physician at home at 2am...he'd love to hear how fucked up your experience has been here so far, tell him hello for me. oh, you want to put your kid in 4 point restraints because you are such an enabler that his unbelievably crazy panic attacks and hysteria is "normal"? i know you "know your son, he's not like other kids". sure i'll move the bed over to the sink so he can be closer to the running water...i actually saw in a beef jerky commercial that it made sasquatch pee.
kill me again.
worst two nights in a row ever. in the history of nursing, ever. florence nightingale can suck it.