this is all over the internet, but i had to put it up here for my non-fishing friends. why didn't i know about this when i lived in st. louis? apparently this is in peoria....and these trashy asian carp are thick and invasive and jump due to the vibration of the boat motor? but what i wanna see is the video when they switch out the compound bow for a 12 gauge. yeah, like someone in southern illinois hasn't tried that yet!
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Friday, June 22, 2007
Thursday, June 21, 2007
i wonder what i would do to seth green if i saw him in the bathroom at tryst in vegas? yeah, i'd probably say something like, "seth, i bet E could totally kick your little ass." or "seth, honestly, take your career and go back the shire." or i'd just say..."seth, this robot chicken episode is the cat's pajamas." oh and check out the credits.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
for those of you not in the pediatric medical field, imagine someone blowing a fucking whistle in your ear every five seconds for twelve god damn hours. then, imagine someone dragging a spoon full of horse shit right past your nose every five minutes for twelve god damn hours. then imagine having to constantly re-enact the basketball scene from "along came polly" every hour for twelve god damn hours, and touching some sweaty, whiny, beady eyed little mama's boy because he won't keep his god damn nasal cannula on because it's "itchy". even though it helps you breath and would make you feel tons better, even "wiggles-riffic", and would help you to not squirm in your bed all night looking like you just said "i don't know" while guest hosting "you can't do that on television!", you greasy snot factory employee of the month.
"why am i carrying this can of lysol?" you ask? because your whole family smells like an ashtray full of used condoms that's why. now shut up and take this good medicine that tastes like big foot's dick but will send you to play grab ass with peter pan.
kill me now.
that was last night.
now for tonight. the word of the night is sterility. this is what should happen to every sexually mature person on the planet unless they pass some tests. what tests you ask? well, how about i decide. yeah, me...elect me "king of whether or not you are a fucking dumb ass". i know you're thinking, "yeah, i saw that show...i think it was called "are you smarter than a 5th grader?", well, this needs to be different. i'm open to suggestions. i have a few like: so exactly how many cats do you own or at least hang out at your house? do you have any controlled substance in your purse? did you really name your child after a type of automobile? no, it's not ok for you to sleep in the nude. i did knock before i came in. no, this isn't really a hotel...it's a fucking children's hospital. oh, you're smarter than a doctor? oh, you know how to pull back your son's foreskin better than me, so i can place this catheter. oh, this is all wrong? we're doing this completely wrong? you have all the answers? ok. no, it's not ok for you to be drunk or high while your child is here. sure you can call your primary care physician at home at 2am...he'd love to hear how fucked up your experience has been here so far, tell him hello for me. oh, you want to put your kid in 4 point restraints because you are such an enabler that his unbelievably crazy panic attacks and hysteria is "normal"? i know you "know your son, he's not like other kids". sure i'll move the bed over to the sink so he can be closer to the running water...i actually saw in a beef jerky commercial that it made sasquatch pee.
kill me again.
worst two nights in a row ever. in the history of nursing, ever. florence nightingale can suck it.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Saturday, June 9, 2007
Friday, June 8, 2007
if you see only one movie this summer...go see "knocked up".
usually i am severely let down by most every movie i see, not so with this instant classic. and worried that all the funny parts were blown in the previews, finally, a movie that doesn't disappoint. kathryn heigl, while seeing her crowning vagina was VERY disturbing, is beautiful. seth rogan is every friend i've ever had. but the best part about this movie is the interaction with seth rogan's character, ben stone (ironical) and his rag-tag group of idiots (and future brother-in-law-ish paul rudd). chaos and hilarity ensue. the fat kid, jonah hill, who will be in another most likely awesome movie this summer, superbad, is great. and speaking of jonah hill...see him in "accepted" and "grandma's boy" if you haven't yet. they are an excellent introduction to this man's genius. and yes, i realize that these movies all have somewhat of a stoner theme...and i don't smoke...and i probably should...but regardless, it's damn funny.
i'm gonna stop there because you will thank me later.
i laughed hard, which never happens. i think a little pee came out...more than once. go see it.
this movie gets 4 outta 4 tobey maguire beat downs!
summer movie greatness is back!
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
if you didn't see the 2007 MTV movie awards...well, you didn't miss much. EXCEPT...a completely shot-cockled jack nicholson eagerly trying to rehydrate before accepting an award for best villian. he failed miserably and was supremely entertaining. AND the painfully not funny sarah silverman crushing paris hilton. if silverman didn't have a good 100lbs on hilton (i say this because sarah's outfits were about as flattering as bjork in swan lake), paris would've gone prison bitch on her. here's an idea...you are going to prison in a few days. might you LAY LOW?! christ, it's like you ask for it. i just threw up, you freak show! congratulations, you are the retard queen today.