Wednesday, May 30, 2007

weeds rocks.

i highly, no pun intended, recommend this show. it's fantastic.

i give up. again...

everyday i stumble across another sign of the apocalypse...i really can't take it anymore. espn is a joke. i can't stand tim legler's ghetto wanna-be, wishing he was had as much street cred as chris mullin, jive-talking ass. i can't stand neil everett's every throat-clearing syllable coughs like he's hunkerin' down to watch a monster truck rally with every single god damn strikeout or base hit. i can't stand mel kiper's hair. i can't stand colin cowherd's ten year old voice. i can't stand any of it. and why can't i get fox sports on dish network without buying a $250 channel package. i hate this stupid walt disney monopoly.
so this guy gets paid to write this crap? honestly? i'd rather hear about roger clemens' minor league pitch count then about how more blacks want to see bonds break the record than whites. really? brillant you freakin' genius. stop talking and kill yourself. no one cares AT ALL about this record besides a few people in san francisco. oh and thanks for reminding me about the giant turd bobby deniro and wille mays hayes laid with this one:

Monday, May 28, 2007

roger "jesus christ" clemens

we all know i have absolutely no life. i work nights. i surf the internet. i find total awesome-ness on the inter-web.
also, if you know me, i have minimal to zero tolerance for most people. and when i discover someone who might de-throne the current king OR queen of the retards, whoever that may be at any given mood, i feel the burning need, way down in my urinary tract to scream it from the rooftops.
i do hate roger clemens. either the guy is seriously THE greatest athlete of all-time. or he is an alien. or he is doping. he's smart though...keep playing dumb...because when it does finally come one will care. all of these athletes just need to wait a little bit longer, phase out all the old-timers, the traditionalist, the baseball purists, and just wait for the next generation...the one that doesn't give a crap about the tainted steroid record book.
anyway, say what you want about roger...that he's got more ego than a curt schilling v. rickey henderson game of checkers or that he's going into the hall with a dollar sign on his cap, perhaps, just perhaps the reason for all this might be: debbie.
i give you the most amazing website to date: the baseball wife
wow, someone get this for me for my birthday, so i can die happy:

feel free to browse and pick up cool rocket stuff like an autographed wine bottle holder in the form of a robot or a houston astros #22 belt buckle, bedazzled or non-bedazzled or killer 4000K christmas ornaments or just chill to the music and read up on how to get fit...without HGH.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

saturday night love...

sure, sure...amy poehler and i are soulmates, so i'm biased, but i get sick of everyone bagging on this show. critics are never, ever satisfied, and are constantly crying for the glory days of the classics, blah, blah, blah. granted, a lot of the material is slow and run into the ground, i.e. dj dynastyhandbag, all of mya rudolph's singing, anything to do with prince, and endless jimmy fallon cameos, BUT there are always highlights.
this season's gems according to my flawless sense of humor:
laser cats
glengarry glenn ross christmas
dick in a box
peyton manning and kids
carrie underwood's legs
chronic of narina
taco town
sofa king
and the lastest greatest....

Saturday, May 26, 2007

woo hoo! go blazers!

greg oden after breakfast.

greg oden before breakfast.

crocs...can't live with 'em, can't kill the people that wear them...

i'm getting a pair just so i can be this cool...

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

is stern worse than selig? probably.

if you haven't heard david stern interviewed on the dan patrick probably will if you watch espn for five minutes tonight or tomorrow or next week. i'm sure one of sportscenter's coked up, ritalin needing idiot announcers will tease you into watching or listen using their stupid trademark grunt or growl at the first syllable of EVERY sentence. vomit.
did robert horry deserve two games? no. steve nash weighs about 160lbs. i could knock him down. basketball is a contact sport. shoot some free-throws and forget about it. was it a double standard against tim duncan during a similar incident? yes.
did stern sound like a whiny, defensive, little kid today? yes. embarassing.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

things you need to know...

ok, mostly this is just for ian and pletsch...

the sci fi channel will be remaking 'flash gordon' into a series this august. hopefully it will replace 'painkiller jane', which blew ass. i watched the pilot. it was constipating. yes, i realize i just contradicted myself.

Rainn Wilson is The Rocker
Source: Variety May 10, 2007
Fox Atomic has set a June start date for The Rocker, a comedy that will star Rainn Wilson as a failed drummer who gets a second shot at fame. Peter Cattaneo (The Full Monty) will direct.
Wilson is in talks to topline the film during his hiatus from the NBC sitcom "The Office." Scripted by Ryan Jaffe, and re-written by Wally Wolodarsky and Maya Forbes, the comedy casts Wilson as a modern day Pete Best, the man who dropped out of the Beatles before the band became globally famous.

this is how i'm feeling today...

a weekend of working (babies crying, throw up, mucus, stool, mucus stool (don't ask), and breastmilk) is staring me in the face...note to self, after not being able to sleep at night because you work nights, stupid...and trying to sleep during the day with my lovely neighbors playing "white-trash drag strip" up and down my street on four-wheelers (no helmet, for a reason), yeah, and sweet 80's toyota pick-ups with no hood (i suppose so the dragon can breathe?)...don't wake up with a half an hour to get ready for work, starving, and eat a bowl of corn pops and a bowl of fruit loops with two ding-dongs for dessert. yeah, you'll feel like crap.
i hate night shift. but i hate day shift more.
notes of encouragement appreciated. or send bail for when i murder someone.

Sunday, May 6, 2007


i don't know whether to laugh or cry...

Saturday, May 5, 2007

worst movie of all time!

i've learned to stop getting my expectations up for big blockbuster movies...not sure when exactly i learned this but it was probably somewhere between 'van helsing' and 'stars wars: episode 1'. that being said...did i want spiderman 3 to be great? yes. was my spider sense tingling for the greatest comic book villian ever? of course...well, this movie was a giant wet diaper full of spicy indian food.
warning: spolier alert...if you haven't seen it...and you're going to (stupid, just give me your $10) anyway so you can laugh even harder at this movie's lameness.
top ten reasons spiderman 3 blew:
10. uh, eyeliner? sure.
9. yeah. parades.
8. three words...saturday night fever.
7. james franco acting..."i know that smile...!"
6. "let's do the twist", really?
5. kirsten dunst...two songs, really?
4. more venom please.
3. "the brutality of it all..."
2. wait, did spidey just give the gratuitous pause in front of a waving american flag? yeah, yeah, he did.
1. i'm gonna grab my jazz flute and scream..."AQUALUNG!"
this movie was just painful. like penis fish painful. this movie was a joke. canned and processed. there wasn't 15 seconds of decent dialogue. the only decent parts were fights involving venom and the french bruce campbell.
'spiderman 3' was ZERO outta four alien symbiotes
on a positive note, i did see 'hot fuzz', as well, this weekend. it was great. highly recommended. any movie that references the baddest bad ass of all time...johnny utah! well, that's an automatic 3 outta 4 dead presidents. word.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

because i just watched 'shooter'...

decent die hard flick (3 outta 4 cement block arm curls) it's got danny glover with a lisp, so really you can't go wrong.
secretly, i want to become a sniper. a real that sits on a barren cliff wearing a hat that looks like a bush, waiting for days eating only beef jerky and only drinking the morning's dew...not to mention lying in your own urine so you don't give up your position to the enemy. then...bang from 500 yards you take out the bad guy warlord. yes.
or at least i like those kinds of video games. freakin' awesome is mark wahlberg? i mean come on...MARKY MARK! has he made a bad movie? no.
quick recap: and keep in mind 'entourage' is loosely based on this guy's experience in hollywood.
'fear'...great. 'boogie nights'...yes. 'perfect storm'...come on. 'the big hit'...ok, it was bad but that was lou diamond phillip's fault. 'three kings'...awesome. 'rock star'...oh shit, nevermind. 'planet of the apes'...oh shit.
ok, well, he redeemed himself in 'the departed'.
anyway, julie, to keep with your mullet theme...i give you...the greatest mullet of all time.

god bless you macgyver, god bless you...without you and the phoenix foundation, we would never have known we even needed secret government agencies like CTU. macgyver without you, jack bauer would never exist. without you, the terrorists would win.

thank you macgyver. thank you a-team. thank you chuck norris. thank you jack bauer.