Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Monday, October 29, 2007

jiffy lube sucks.

this happened to me last year with a belt i had replaced. next time i went in, a guy said i needed the same belt replaced. i showed him the receipt. he said, "yeah, we fired that guy.", and replaced the belt no charge.
now i go in there and say, "i'm from channel 8. i have hidden cameras under my hood. don't fuck with me. oil change. no flushes. no caps. no transmission shit. no blinker fluid. oh and here's a coupon, jackholes. have a nice day."

Saturday, October 27, 2007

i need stability.

when does college basketball start? i can't take anymore of whatever it is impersonating college football this year.

oh right, america is the bad guy.

look! everyone stereotypes. it's not just us american assholes.





james tiberius kirk.

i guess shatner is pissed he's not in the new 'star trek' shindig.
click here
to make matters worse, leonard nimoy is...
which reminds me, one of lora's classes at MHCC there's this awesome asian guy. i presume he has a very difficult name to pronounce, something like phuk or, well, you get the picture...anyway, he apparently has everyone call him by his 'american-ized' name...spock. i'm sure he's completely normal.
so, tj hooker is pissed. i suppose he has a point. i mean he is the greatest actor of his generation, just ask him.
hey, bill, did you ever think you weren't included because you were a douchebag? or maybe it was because you do those retarded priceline commercials? or maybe it was because of 'miss congeniality'? or maybe it was because of this:

tom potter...

listens only to his own awesome, baseball hatin' voice and now thinks he can clock out early. bring back that crazy old bird, vera katz.

the new ben affleck.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

go away forever.

list of people that have never made me laugh, ever:
1. jay leno
2. jerry seinfeld
3. mr. bean
that's it.

get well soon, buddy!

hey max, sorry about the wheel.
hope your dad learned his lesson...when you put jack in your kid's sippy cup to help him sleep...make sure there aren't any stairs around.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

negativity.

as my personal sports apocalypse continues to creep towards reality, each day something happens to provide further proof the end is upon me. it has become more automatic than a small, cute animal attacking an unlucky, misunderstood ben stiller character.

1. the huskers. yeah, tom osborne will save us. sure, i mean he's only 70. says "gosh darn" and "gee willickers" during half-time speeches. he's been outta the game for 10 years. but probably still has plenty of probation officer contacts in southern california.
i'm guessing he might be out of touch with what the kids think is cool...you know stuff like, come play here. sure we have exposure. we don't have alumni like chad johnson or reggie bush or a manning, but we do have lawrence phillips, jason peter, and eric crouch. we don't know where they are, but we have them.
come play here. sure we have girls.

anyway, no we don't have video games in the lockers like some schools...instead, have you seen this awesome playbook? it's better than madden '08:

sure we realize it's three times the size of any college text book. and yes we know you're major will be P.E., but trust us...coach callahan says this gets you ready for the pros.
and nevermind this stuff:

it's simple...RUN THE BALL. like the glory days:

good...

versus evil.


2. the cardinals. great, larussa is back. that doesn't make the farm system any better. matt says colby rasmus is grady sizemore. ok. let's hope. you know...i'm just gonna settle into a fetal position on this one. it's grave. it's a downswing for sure. last place in the central next year. there i said it. dingo, tim, savvyboy, roth...sorry. it was a nice little run. baseball is an ugly bitch. i'll remember just getting the chance. i'll remember pujols ending brad lidge's career. i'll remember edmonds turning his back on the ball like a nebraska DB. i'll remember beltran's knees buckling. oh yeah and we're still world champs for another week or so.


3. the rams. well, i wanna say something positive. so i will...the barbeque pork nachos at qwest field are excellent. now...the rams straight suck. bulger holds the ball like it's a teddy bear protecting him from the boogeyman. holt is probably leading the league in drops. and the backs, not named jackson, love running directly into the linemen's backsides. sure it's because the offensive line is getting crushed...on EVERY play, but make a read. spin. juke. i think it's R1 or R2 on your playstation controller. the lambs had -4 yards passing and 4 first downs in the first half on sunday. against the seahawks...who suck, too. the offensive MVP so far this season is the punter, donnie jones. 50.5 average. sunday he booted one 80 yards. not bad with one foot out of the back of the endzone. 0-16. why not? new england is gonna go 16-0.
did anyone see matt and i at the game? we were these guys:


4. the blazers. will we make the playoffs? do we even want to? is it completely wrong, before the season even starts to start thinking about this:

from espn.com courtesy of doug "scooter" gottlieb
2008 NBA Draft Prospects
1. Eric Gordon, Indiana
Gordon would have been the first guard taken this year. He has deep range, a midrange game that is developing and he will finish in traffic as well. Unlike some of his fellow guards in this class, Gordon has no issues with sharing the ball on the floor or baggage off the floor. He is a huge reason for believing that IU is back. But for how long?
2. Kevin Love, UCLA
The most complete big man to enter college basketball in a long time. Love is strong as an ox, a solid athlete, has a tremendous basketball IQ, a ridiculous outlet passer (coaches are raving) and his offensive arsenal is as complete as Tim Duncan's.
3. Derrick Rose, Memphis
Rose has a body and game that is reminiscent of Jason Kidd. He is a fierce competitor who is driven to win and make his teammates better. Although he may not be quite the passer that Kidd is, he shoots it better than Kidd at this age. As good as Memphis was last year, wait until you seen the Tigers with Rose running the show.
4. Darrell Arthur, Kansas
"Slim Shady" is a sleek, face-up forward who should come into his own in Year 2 at Kansas. Arthur has the tools necessary to be great, but he must put it all together. He lacks consistency.
5. Michael Beasley, Kansas State
An incredibly talented power forward who has some Carmelo to his game, only he is a far more tenacious rebounder. He does have some baggage in terms of personal maturity, so a year in Manhattan, Kan., could do him wonders.
Others of note
O.J. Mayo, USC
Ultra-athletic combo guard who enters college with all the hype of LBJ (had LeBron gone to college). He can defend, shoot and finish, but he struggles with knowing what to do when. If Tim Floyd can add discipline and decision-making to his arsenal, Mayo will live up to the massive hype that he sometimes struggles with.
Kyle Singler, Duke
A Dirk Nowitzki type of forward. Has the most developed offensive arsenal of the incoming freshmen perimeter players.
D.J. Augustin, Texas
The best pure point guard returning to college basketball next year. Augustin still needs to develop a more consistent jumper from 3-point range and break out of the massive shadow of Kevin Durant. Big 12 coaches rave about his ability to run the Horn's offense.
Brook Lopez, Stanford
Very skilled at both ends of the floor and more athletic than his East Coast counterparts.
Roy Hibbert, Georgetown
Huge, improving and very bright, Hibbert has come from nowhere to all the way to playing Greg Oden to a draw in Atlanta. Can he stay injury free while keeping the weight off?
Chase Budinger, Arizona
Great talent and he knows how to play, but he needs to work on his poor defense. His lack of lateral quickness does not go unnoticed by NBA scouts. He could very well be a pro beach volleyball star if the NBA does not work out.
Hasheem Thabeet, Connecticut
Still incredibly raw, but you can't teach height and shot blocking. He has both.
DeAndre Jordan, Texas A&M
Should form an incredible 1-2 combo with Joseph Jones at Texas A&M. Jordan is a very athletic big man who is active and aggressive at both ends of the floor.
Donte Greene, Syracuse
Thin pogo-stick type of athlete who will thrive if Syracuse starts to get up and down, which the Orange seem poised to try.
Paul Harris, Syracuse
Do-it-all Paul has all the skills, except a jump shot. Strongest guard in college basketball, but he has no position. If he continues to improve his shooting next year as he did in Year 1, he could get in the lottery discussion, a discussion he was in coming out of prep school.
Tywon Lawson, North Carolina
Exceptionally fast with the ball and a strong finisher in the lane, but his jumper and decision-making leave something to be desired. Lawson can really defend and will have a ton of opportunities to prove his mettle as UNC is a favorite heading into the year.
Darren Collison, UCLA
Loved by his coaches and teammates, Collison may lack the creativity to be a big-time point guard in the pros. However, he has improved a ton the past two years, so anything seems possible.
Taj Gibson, USC
Will be a 22-year-old sophomore, and he plays like a 10-year NBA veteran. Legit 6-foot-9 athlete who is adding strength, the only thing needed to his game.
Returning from Injury
Billy Walker, Kansas State
Would have been a lottery pick this year, but after his second ACL tear, Walker's return will be cause for great interest. A Vince Carter-type of athlete last year, his raw offensive game is supposed to be more refined with the time off.
Ronald Steele, Alabama
Dual knee surgeries after a painful year leave us wondering what will become of the college game's premiere point guard. When healthy, Steele is a scoring point who has a knack for taking over a game in big spots. He was hobbled all of last season and used his guts and head to still be moderately effective. But he will need his knees to get into the league.
DeVon Hardin, Cal
Big-time athlete and shot blocker who has a Stromile Swift-like ability to finish. Had a foot injury this year and is raw offensively, so he wisely pulled out of the draft last month. But with some refining, he should be in the lottery discussion next year.
Back from Suspension
C.J. Giles, Oregon State
After getting kicked off the team at Kansas, he transferred to OSU. Giles has some baggage he needs to overcome. At 6-foot-10 and very agile, his raw talent had him pegged for the lottery until his dismissal.
Josh Heytvelt, Gonzaga
Ultra-athletic big man who needs the year to repair his off-court image. On the floor, he needs to play with more consistency. But when he brings it, he is a lottery pick.

and, peter, "oden's wheelchair", your fantasy basketball team's name...not funny.

Monday, October 22, 2007

can't keep silent...

i'm only gonna say...if i could murder someone...

Friday, October 19, 2007

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

wtf?

this shit fascinates me...i have no idea why...i never want to do it. but how in the hell do these somesabitches do it?


por favor. uno mas.

this still doesn't make up for 'stuck on you'...but it helps.
thanks, brennan.

music quota complete.

ello! guvna!

i'll keep the hits coming...

dead on.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

the company man.

i hear fox is giving this d-bag his own late night talk show. wow, what a horrible, horrible idea...how is it that bob costas hasn't had buck killed? saint louis needs to quit pumping out sportscasters. buck, costas, wingo...why can't everyone be scott van pelt or erin andrews? shit...here i go again. sorry.


from firejoemorgan.com
Strike Up the Band!
It finally happened, you guys!!!
Joe Buck, bottom 6, Red Sox' diminuitive caucasian 2B Dustin Pedroia at the dish:
"He's a lot like David Eckstein -- he makes the most out of what he's got."
Finally. Someone pointed out the superficial/wrong.
Pedroia, in 2007, his 23 year-old rookie year: .317/ .380 /.442. .292 EqA.
Eckstein, Cherry Picking Best Ever Result in Every Category Throughout his Entire Career: .309/.363/.395. .274 EqA.
Eck's career SLG is .362. His career high in doubles is 26. Pedroia had 39.
But hey. They are both short. And white. So that's something.


i hope these are joe's first guests:
1. homey d. clown
2. randy moss
3. these guys:

and his band: www.joebuckyourself.com
tim mccarver will play the part of ed mcmahon.
yes, one of the longest nightshifts ever. thanks for asking.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

huckin' fuskers.


seriously. where is college football going? this...i guess...you call it parody...is brutal. sure i could be positive about it, but it's not in my genes. i could see it as a great thing. woo-hoo appendectomy state beat michigan. number one's and two's fall each week.
oh and sure i'm bitter that the huskers suck ass. times have changed...i get it. no one wants to come to nebraska to play.
"hi, i'm bill callahan. i was a nfl coach. ever heard of the west coast offense? well, if you haven't then come play for me. cos i run it, just like everybody else. but i'm special in that i run it like they were 10 years ago with no adjustments. i'm a purist. so i abandon the run whenever i can. and i don't worry about defense. we even coach our DBs to never turn around on the ball, so the other team can score at will...just so when we're on offense we have to heave it on 3 and 10. i was an nfl coach. we run the west coast offense. oh and nebraska has barns and shit. and it's flat. and the women are men. and the weather sucks. and i'm a horrible coach. come be a part of tradition. a tradition that is gone. and will never come back. cos i run the west coast offense. just like i did in oakland with rich gannon the greatest nfl quarterback ever. go big red. our mascot is awesome, too."
can i blame any decent college athlete? hell, no...i mean i left. nebraska sucks. i'm surprised the government hasn't given the entire state to the sioux and the winnebago...it's useless. there are no places to fish. the pheasants are all gone. but hey, we got larry the cable guy...so rejoice.
also...come on! look at the rankings. have you ever seen it so full of new teams?! i'm not ready for this. south florida. kentucky. boston college. cincy. indiana. uconn. hawaii. boise state. south carolina (go kill yourself spurrier) this is just plain silly.
on another note, steve spurrier deserves his own brand of man douche. we'll call it "the head ball coach"...what a shit stain. if i ever hear anyone say 'click, clack' in public...i immediately form tackle them. or mace them.

this whole thing just makes me want to watch manny being manny.
which makes me want to puke.
go rockies. new team sarcastic irony intended.
i hate sports.

whoa. (click here)

yankees.

season on the line. $189,639,045 payroll. and this guy has to go on 3 days rest:



no, wait...my mistake...it was actually this guy:

Friday, October 12, 2007

stupid book. stupid movie.


dear self,
i know you want to move to alaska. and you will someday. but, self, you need to know a couple things. you probably know most of this, but here's a reminder:
1. take more than a .22.
2. take more than one bag of rice.
3. warm clothes.
4. waders...and maybe a flyrod might be a good idea.
5. remember...snow melts. and rivers rise. have a plan. one that floats.
6. burn all your pearl jam records for warmth and kill eddie vedder.
that should do it. follow these simple rules and you won't turn into a zombie and die of starvation. and i get it...you don't need material things. live off the land. freedom. destiny. happiness. i get it.
find yourself. dead.
take care and good luck,
self

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

the grand tour...

kassa and rob, great to see you guys...safe travels back to the great plains.









my quest for a coho...

continues...but skunked we were not, young jedi.
i have to remember to quit fishing eariler next time because driving home, listening to stephen a. smith is enough to make me drive into the columbia river. lots of boots in the water. coho piled on the bank from the flossers. jacks hammering ESLs. and a few steelhead cruising...





video

Monday, October 8, 2007

the most disturbing image i have ever seen...

while writing my last entry i stumbled across this act of satan. seriously, i feel i should call the police or the FCC or something...jesus. when was whoopi ever cool? oh right, 'sister act'. forgot.

people that suck at their jobs.










Sunday, October 7, 2007

assumptions rule.


dear lovely lady who put this on my car last week,
i am really sorry.
sorry that your doritos-eating fat ass couldn't squeeze into your car after work. i admit my parking experience was a little tight, but i guess that happens probably everyday in the hospital garage which has a waiting list of years to even get a spot. i'm glad i found that tiny little spot and could squeeze my jeep into it, even if it did ruin your fucking day. tell you what...if you see me again or my car, leave me your name, and i'll make sure to remind you very often of how fat you are, how your kids are probably embarrassed of your fat ass, and how you're probably dead soon because your heart is really tired of pumping pure crisco. look, shuffle-step, nurses don't have to be fat slugs, so if you're such a strong, independent, opinionated roast beef sandwich, break the stereo-type and quit stealing everybody's lunch out of the fridge.
sincerely,
michael
ps. yes, i feel better.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

coho.

video
sorry about the sideways video. i will know better next time. or someone will tell me how to rotate a video file? or just turn your laptop, like i do. anyway...i guess a few hundred coho came through a couple mornings ago? too bad i didn't have a fly that could distract one. horny fish...i completely understand.
i waited a few days to post this because i was sure i was going to start ranting about combat fishing. but as i say every year...you crackers can have your tweaker holes.
and sure thing pardner...you can stand right next to me and chuck your shit right over mine. it's that i know you've got one of those army surplus survival knives with the hollow handle filled your candy and that you'll have no problem slicing a gash in my nice, new, fancy, purdy waders...so sure, stand right here and snag one of dem sonsabitches. fuck.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

i wish i was michael cera...

major league crap.

what's worse than the fact that jason marquis is in the post season?
easy...these douchebags. god, i hate the yankees. so much so, boston, that you don't even have to show up and you get my vote. but holy hell are there two more ginormous dick farts than jon papelboner and kevin youk-youk? no.
except jd "bible" drew. amen, prick. amen.
may carlos zambroni and craig sager play monkey with choke-rod getting caught in the crossfire.
screw baseball.
go rockies.